Coping Up with Changes

People change. That’s a fact and that’s something bitter about life that I have learned the hard way. Some changes are meant for good but mostly, somehow it would hurt you or would make you confuse. Sometimes it would even make you doubt the person who change drastically. But everything has reasons. We may not be able to understand it for now but surely there are factors contributing or affecting changes.

I just realized it recently that few of the people close to me or should I say the people I trusted most have changed suddenly. They become stranger that it makes me confuse whether it’s them who have had a change of heart or if it’s just me.

First off, I learned that a former colleague of mine in my previous work has betrayed not only me but most of the people who trusted her. We thought that she could keep secrets the way we keep hers. I never thought she can do it (destroy my trust) but who am I to judge? I will not deny the fact that I have been hurt when I found out about it. Though it feels good to find out about the betrayal few months after I resigned from work. At least the blow was not that strong. She may have reasons why she did it but I know someday I will understand. My feelings for her has not changed though. I treated her as a dear friend and I would rather think on the positive side or the good things and memories we have shared together and just try to ward off the negative part. I left work knowing she meant well for me and I want it to stay that way. She may have broken my expectations but I’d rather think she did it for my benefit.

Time heals as they say so when our roads will cross someday, I know I will still be able to smile at her and thank her for the time and the friendship even if it turned out to be different.

Second, after a long-term relationship with the guy I thought was meant for me,  things turned out differently. It just went out of reach and the changes were very overwhelming. Surely, he has his reasons as well, just like my old colleague. Things may be in a blur for now and I will not deny the fact that it reached a point where pain was too much to bear. But I survived though.

It pains to realize that the person you were most comfortable with was the very person who has love you less than you have expected. Maybe they’re right, too much togetherness can lead to break up. The rest as they say is history. The message was sent and understood thoroughly and I just hope he meant well with his changes. We had so much good times together and I can only hold on to that memory. After all, he had been a very good friend before. I’d rather think that just like my old colleague, he meant well.

Lastly, an old friend of mine who is so dear to me is suddenly acting strange. I know he has his own problems and who knows, he might even be struggling so much to solve his issues right now. The sad thing about it is, he doesn’t open up to me anymore. Not even to the other people whom I know is close to him as well. I tried to reason out with myself that he might not be ready to share his story yet. That I am very much willing to wait until he is ready. But the issues surrounding him is just too shocking. We have been friends for years and whatever issues his in right now, that doesn’t prove enough for me to judge him or criticize him.

We have been friends back in college and we have always been sharing burdens and issues. I know I lost contact with him for quite a while especially when I started working in Cebu. Hearing from the other friends we have on what he’s become bothers me a lot. I tried to contact him after deciding to come back home and stay for good. Indeed, I was able to contact him hoping he will tell me how he’s been but he stayed quiet. I didn’t push him too much, though I made sure I find time with him especially now that we are in the same place. However, I would admit the fact that he did put a distance between us. He has always been secretive but this time it’s just different.

I still see him the way I have known him. Despite the negative issues revolving around him, I still hope that someday, he will realize that his friends are there to help him out. It’s not good to keep all your problems to yourself or you’ll break down.

I won’t judge him because that’s not the way I have known him. I will stick to how I know him and will wait for the day when he’ll open up. I’m sure I will understand him and will still be able to accept him but I am not denying that I feel alienated or I find him a total stranger for now. I just hope wherever he is right now, he is doing well.

All these changes happened in few months since I came back home. I dunno how many more changes I can cope up with considering the other factors and issues that I have to worry. It saddens me to think that of all the people who can change, they were those who have greatly affected me. Any more blow would surely send me crying for days. I can’t stand pretending that I am okay when deep inside I am shattered with how things are running these days.

Right now, I am very concerned with the last person I mentioned and I will definitely do my best to save him the way I know I could and the way I know what’s right. He is a friend and will remain a friend no matter what. I can’t lose anymore friends. I value the person and I wanna keep him forever. He’ll always be one of the best things I’ve had.

Marching towards Death the second time around

What can you say about going through a near-death situation the second time around? Oops! We’re not really that suicidal, okay? Things just went out of hand. I know it’s ironic to smile or even laugh at the experience, after what we’ve gone through last weekend, but what happened makes our weekend getaway more memorable.

Three years ago, just few months before graduating from college, my friends (my Mass Communicator peers) and I had a near-death-experience in the mountains of Valencia, Negros Oriental. I swear I would never forget that experience up until today. It scares me to wander in the mountains after that experience. But last weekend was another encounter. If I survived the mountains then the water is another story.

Arriane, my daughter, who got to go through the same experience with me in the mountains three years ago had to share the same fate with me last Saturday. We (my TN family) decided to have a summer outing/reunion in Antulang resort in Siaton, Negros Oriental. We were all first timers in the place and part of the package we paid for is kayaking. So off we went to kayaking around 3:00 in the afternoon. Unfortunately the sea was rough at that time. The wind was quite strong and the waves are big enough to match the deep ocean of the resort. There was only one kayak so we have to go on pair. My daughter and I decided to go kayaking together after two of our colleagues were done with their turn. Mind you, both of us don’t know how to swim. To top it all, it creeps me out when it comes to deep waters.

We were so confident on the kayak that the next thing we knew we were already far away from shore. Not to mention the color of the sea—it was dark blue. The color itself tells the depth of the ocean. Waves were banging on us and no matter how hard we try to paddle we always end up with one direction—forward! The more we try to struggle the more we sail forward. We were both scared yet we try not to panic or else we’ll get capsize and God knows what’s in the sea. It was so creepy. None of us had tried kayaking before and none of us know how to paddle or maneuver the kayak to the direction we want it to. We struggle for quite a while in the open sea trying to shout for direction on our friends back on shore which were already tiny from our point of view.

The rush to survive was bitter-sweet. It was like going back to the mountains three years ago. All you can do is focus and try to survive from the situation. To tell you honestly, I don’t even remember how we have managed to turn the kayak back. Maybe it was just the water current or maybe we just exerted too much effort. It was really a head ache to exert more force than you have done your entire life. But thank God, we survived! We may not have dock on the shores of Antulang resort itself but at least we made it on the nearest area.

We were both happy to have made it and survived. Indeed, it was not our time yet but the adrenaline rush, the experience itself, and the struggle made it all worth reminiscing and laughing. I know we’re not suppose to laugh in moments like this but knowing you’ll live for another day or month or maybe year or more (who knows) is just worth thanking God for and smiling for. Not to forget, it added more color to our summer escapade.

This is definitely another experience that I will never forget in my life. That might even be the first and the last time I will get on a kayak, but who knows? If I’m with an expert then maybe I might try to do it again someday….hahaha! But surely May 14, 2011 is my best weekend so far for 2011 and of course my most unforgettable summer escapade! =)

Feeling useless

Have you ever spent time with your friends just hanging around the corner chitchatting and exchanging corny jokes? Laughing out loud even if nothing worth laughable is mentioned? Surely, everyone must have done this but doing this continuously almost everyday makes me freaking sick and tired of all non-sense. I'm not saying though that I am always with my friends but the same situation goes.

I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed for realizing this but it makes me feel dumb, low and useless. Sometimes, overdoing a joke or acting childish almost every time is really irritating. I can almost say to myself that my common sense is degrading for being able to stand up for all those non-sense moment. I know I am being vague here but something just came up recently and I wish I can get away from that person the soonest possible time. Or if not, at least I'll be able to spend less time with that person. He is starting to get into my nerves and I dunno how long I can extend my patience and how long I can handle the situation. I'm scared that if this continues I might just burst out and it might end up worse than what I expect.

They say that talking to the party involve would most like save you from the dilemma but I guess this will not work for this.  Talking to an insensitive, narrow-minded and perfectionist person will not do any good especially if the person is not open to suggestions or constructive criticism after all. I just pity that person because if he won't exert efforts to improve himself and to be a better person, he will surely end up as loser as he is right now. Forgive me for saying this but writing what I feel helps me keep up with the burden...

On doing nothing

It's been a while since I came back to my hometown. The excitement was really indescribable knowing that I'd be coming back home. I don't have to wake up early to meet schedules and to be on time for work. I have all the time I wanted and I needed. In fairness, I have done all the things I have been longing to do with my friends for a while. I have spent time with them and have had enough of time to waste just sleeping on the couch after eating. This has been a routine for almost a month since I came back home. Frankly, sleeping after eating has become quite a habit which I think should be stopped before it gets worse. What would you expect to feel doing it everyday after quite some time? Surely, you'll get bored with it. That is how I feel right now. I am totally bored and I dunno know what to do.

I know I should take things seriously by now. I am old enough to know my responsibilities and to be matured enough to take consequences of my own actions. I hated the idea of doing nothing yet the tendency of not being able to do something for the boredom is more distracting. I should land a job. Maybe by having one, I will get to know more people and get to have pressure at least. But how will I go about it? Honestly, I wanted to land a job but i dunno how to start and where to start.

If only horoscopes do come true, then I'll just be hopeful that by next week something good and productive will happen to me. I do believe in the saying "no guts, no glory" but I dunno where to get the courage to have guts. Baga ug face as I am, there are times when my confidence is really just too low that I wouldn't know how to pull myself together and be able to do what I intend to do...

xmas party.wmv

Kabuang with Ate Lot and Momoi last night... ;)